Of Sin and Sanctity
by PokerFace312
Summary: After ending up in yet another loop, Kaworu finds himself battling against Tabris' instincts.


**Warnings: **Sexual assault, hinting at attempted rape

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"_Kill them. Destroy them." _

Malicious thoughts swirled contentiously in his just-waking mind. Lids languidly peeled back from scarlet eyes only for his vision to be dyed a matching crimson as they took in the sight before them. Beside his own form lay a young boy with short brown hair mussed from slumber.

"_Kill him." _The voice which had in the past always been subdued now seemed to almost scream in his mind. _"Destroy him. Defile him."_

Thoughtlessly, he raised himself and crept over so that he was positioned over the boy, who had begun to wake on account of the movement. As Shinji turned his head sleepily to look at the figure above him, the white haired boy struck, grabbing both of his prey's wrists and trapping them above his head with one hand. "What are you-" Shinji tried to say only to have the words choked away from him as the other boy's free hand locked onto his throat. The assault began. Their lips were mashed together forcefully, the kiss so different from the loving ones they'd shared in the past. He forced his tongue into the boy's mouth, ignoring the cries of surprise and protest let out. The hand which had been around the Shinji's throat moved down, sliding under the hem of his pants. As he did this though, the hand restraining the captive boy's wrists loosened slightly and Shinji, seeing his chance, managed to free his hands and quickly use them to push off his attacker for a moment. The instant their lips parted, a desperate plea tore from his throat: "Stop! Stop it, Kaworu!"

At the sound of his name, Kaworu froze, a look of mixed terror and shock which almost mirrored Shinji's appearing on his face. He immediately scrambled backwards off the boy, almost falling off the bed which now felt far too small in his urgency.

An oppressive silence filled the room as they stared at each other, neither knowing how to respond to what had just transpired. The two held near-identical expressions of fear and confusion as the only sound to be heard was their own laboured breathing.

Kaworu grasped for words, horrified by what he had done and desperate to try to offer some semblance of comfort. "…Shinji, I-" He broke off when he saw tears start to fall from the eyes opposite him.

_I did it again._ The anguished thought raced through his mind. _I made him cry again. _

This loop had been better. He had been presented with more time with Shinji and the two of them had begun to build a relationship together. In a far corner of his mind which he barely dared acknowledge, there was even the tiniest bit of hopes that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have to die this time. Perhaps he would be able to live out a normal life with Shinji.

But Tabris' influence was stronger this time; startlingly so. The side of him that was pure angel, desiring little more than the lilins' destruction. What Tabris wanted was much different from what Kaworu Nagisa wanted, and Kaworu greatly feared that Tabris would eventually prevail over him and complete what he had just attempted to do to Shinji. While other angels usually used physical or psychological combat against lilin, Tabris used a mixture of the two. Without even realizing what he was doing, Kaworu had begun to go along with it, too caught up in his own emotions to realize what real purpose they served in relation to Shinji. What he as an angel intended to do was to seduce Shinji, take hold of his emotions only to destroy them and leave Shinji even more broken than he already was so that the boy would be left powerless to stop the angels from reaching their own destructive goal. Tabris wished to destroy Shinji in body and spirit, and the way he had just attempted to do that was the one which Kaworu saw as the worst: for he, the boy Shinji had come to love, to defile Shinji's body; to betray him and leave him broken and bruised, both physically and mentally. To betray both his trust and his feelings. And Kaworu, in his tired state, had been powerless to stop what was happening until it had been almost too late.

Hesitantly, he slowly crawled back across the bed and reached a gentle hand out towards the still-frightened boy, a sharp pang of guilt piercing his heart as Shinji shied away. "I won't hurt you," he said earnestly, holding Shinji's gaze despite knowing that his words were most likely a lie. "I won't do anything like that ever again, I promise you. I… wasn't in my right mind." He leaned forward a bit more so that his hand cupped the boy's cheek, using a finger to wipe away one of the tears, and he breathed a silent sigh of relief that Shinji hadn't flinched away this time. He scooched forward ever so slightly and pressed his lips against Shinji's as lightly as he could as means of trying to convey his sincerity. "I love you," he whispered resolutely, his voice intense despite its low volume. He held Shinji's gaze – still clouded with tears – strongly in his own. "Nothing could ever change that. Nothing."

Shinji ducked his head a bit, blushing at Kaworu's words. After a couple seconds, he raised his eyes beneath his lashes to look up at his white-haired boy, only to flick them down to his lips for a second just before he leaned in to return the kiss. Shinji's kiss was more forceful than Kaworu's had been, conveying that he did indeed hold trust in this figure before him. "I would hope so," he muttered sulkily. "I love you too." As he said this, he returned his gaze to Kaworu's brilliantly coloured eyes and Kaworu was flooded with relief as he saw that the earlier tears had all but disappeared. He couldn't help but let out a soft, giddy giggle at Shinji's words before placing another kiss on the boy's forehead. The smaller boy responded with a smile, wrapping his arms around Kaworu and burrowing his face in the boy's sensitive neck, placing light playful kisses on it. Kaworu in turn returned the embrace and rested his cheek against Shinji's head, his hair tickling him lightly. "I'll always love you," he breathed, so quiet that for a moment Shinji almost thought he'd imagined it.

He would be more careful. He would make sure to keep further away from Shinji in moments when he had less control and, if Tabris eventually became too strong, he would destroy himself.

The two sat like that until eventually an announcement came for them to return to NERV headquarters for sync tests, both wishing to never be separated from the other.

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_**A/N: **A few weeks ago I read through the doujinshi Eva-R Episode: 1 and I wanted to try to explore the author's idea of Kaworu going through a bit of an internal battle with Tabris, so this was the result. _

Neon Genesis Evangelion and its characters are property of Hideaki Anno and Gainax. I own nothing but my imagination.


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